The following is a transcript of a live presentation given at Brigham Young University on October 23, 2002 by Dr. Brent and Wendy Top.

Wendy:

Before I begin I would like to explain that the following material was originally addressed mainly to the concerns of married women, but I believe the principles apply to most if not all relationships within the family, the Church, or in the world.  I would also like to make it clear that I have my husband’s permission to use the following story.  When my husband, Brent, and I were first married, we adopted the husband/wife roles we thought were required by the patriarchal order set forth by the Church. Brent was the head of the family, and because I wanted to be what I thought was a good wife, I would willingly submit to his decisions, right or wrong, democratic or autocratic. He did the so-called men's work--earning a living, keeping up the car, yard, and home repairs--and I took care of house­work, tended to the children's needs, and supported him in his Church callings, what some would call women's work. We more or less followed this pattern (I not always cheerfully) for about three years. When I was not submit­ting willingly, Brent could dutifully remind me that I wasn't being a good wife. We thought that was what Brent was supposed to do.

However, after three and a half years and the birth of our third child, I felt a deep resentment beginning to build. This patriarchal order, as we perceived it, didn't feel very good to me. Brent was gone at work all day and then spent three nights a week playing basketball, and I could either drag three adorable but rowdy little rugrats to his games or stay home with them alone, where I had already been all day long. His job was usually finished by 5:00 P.M. when he came home from work, but I was on the job twenty-four hours a day sometimes. We were too poor to afford a baby­sitter except when we went out together, and I felt I could ask Brent to watch the children only if I went grocery shopping, to the doctor, or on some other unavoidable errand.

Pretty soon, the resentment inside me became anger, and the anger became desperation that all spilled over one day. I ran out the door to the home of a priesthood leader. He lis­tened carefully and was kind, but I could tell he didn't fully understand because he also thought that was the role I was supposed to play. When he later spoke to my hus­band about the problem, he suggested that Brent tell me to "stop complaining." Painful as that was, I don't blame that leader or my husband, either. We were all playing according to what we misunderstood the rules to be.

Once I expressed myself and helped my husband to understand the injustice of the whole situation, he was willing to change. Actually, we both had to change. Because of the overwhelming responsibility of having three small children and no extended family anywhere near us, we had to become a team and work together. That was only the beginning of a long and as yet unfinished process of learning what marriage and family life in the patriarchal order are all about.

Over the years I have witnessed many other marriages and families that have fallen prey to the same misunder­standings about patriarchal rule that plagued our partner­ship. Some of those marriages have since ended in divorce and left women and children with bitter feelings toward men, the priesthood, the patriarchal order, and the Church in general. Some couples have stayed together without addressing the issues, suppressing the pain, which inevitably foments other problems such as strained rela­tionships or emotional and physical illness. Other couples and families continue to struggle on in the learning process, making necessary adjustments as we did.

For the most severe cases of misuse of the patriarchal right to preside, usually referred to as unrighteous domin­ion, there is absolutely no justification. Physical abuse and flagrant verbal and emotional abuse are grave sins that need immediate attention and correction. But in the case of most families, the family member is not aware that some of his or her behavior could actually be consid­ered unrighteous dominion. People often don't realize how their actions affect others. Those involved in such a family situation may have anything from a vague feeling of resentment to an almost overpowering assurance that something is not right.

It needs to be made clear that women as well as men can exercise unrighteous dominion. In fact, anyone can. Anytime we attempt to compel or control someone, no matter what the means, we are exercising unrighteous dominion. Being fallen, selfish creatures, we all learn to do whatever works for us in order to get what we want or need, sometimes without even realizing it. We may not recognize the toes we stomp on or the feelings we hurt along the way.

The tantrums we throw as children are only the begin­ning. As we get older, our tactics are usually more sophis­ticated and subtle, and we are often not conscious of delib­erately using them. As Elder H. Burke Peterson explained in an Ensign article about unrighteous dominion:

Exercising unrighteous dominion can follow many patterns. It may be relatively mild when expressed as criticism, anger, or feelings of severe frustration.  In more extreme cases, however, unrighteous dominion may emerge as verbal, physical, or emotional abuse. Unfortu­nately, in its less obvious forms, unrighteous dominion is often either ignored or not recognized as such .... By acknowledging and setting right these less-obvious forms of unsuitable behavior, perhaps we may help prevent the more extreme behaviors that can grow out of them. ("Unrigh­teous Dominion," Ensign, July 1989, 7)

Elder Peterson also gave some very helpful examples of the many faces of unrighteous dominion. One husband worked constantly to give his wife all the material possessions she could want. He was seldom home with her, but when he was, he fell into a pattern of demanding perfection from her and criticizing her when she fell short of his expectations. "How can a woman feel she'll ever become what our Heavenly Father expects of her when, no matter how hard she tries, she never pleases her husband?" was this wife's lament. This feeling is com­mon to too many women (and some men as well). Another husband who had served as a temple worker reg­ularly brought home pornographic magazines and videos and then made "inappropriate and offensive demands" of his wife. Other husbands neglect their wives and families because of other priorities. They may be workaholics, sports nuts, TV addicts, or "non-communicators." They may even be so involved with Church work that they for­get that wives and families come first. Elder Peterson also added the examples of a father who "demands compliance with rules he has arbitrarily set [without consulting the family] "--something that would seem acceptable under the worldly interpretation of the patriarchal order--and another father who "unwisely used [family home evening] to find fault with family members," giving little recognition or praise (pp. 7-8).

            There are as many other ways of exercising unrigh­teous dominion as there are people. Women have their tactics as well. I have seen women manipulate their hus­bands and children with saccharin sweetness, pouting, "guilt trips," withheld affection, sickness, and complain­ing. And then, of course, there is the well-honed tendency of many a woman to nag her family members into compli­ance. Any of us may be guilty of trying to intimidate or manipulate others into giving us what we think we want or need. In the 121^st section of the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord has revealed that men use their priesthood (and women their influence) unlawfully when they "undertake to cover [their] sins, or to gratify [their] pride, [their] vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness" (D&C 121:37). 

Indeed, Elder Dallin H. Oakes has pointed out that, “We are commanded to love our neighbors, not to manipulate them, even for righteous purposes.” (Ensign October 1994, Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall, 11.)

            The first step toward correcting any problem is to rec­ognize it. As mentioned, the more extreme forms of unrighteous dominion--physical and sexual abuse--are easily recognized, though not easily acknowledged. These abusers must be dealt with by priesthood authorities and, in some cases, law enforcement. None of us is expected to put up with physical or sexual abuse to any degree, no mat­ter how much we love or care about the abuser or how high the abuser’s position in the Church. We would not be doing ourselves, the abuser, or the abuser’s family any favors by covering up for them. Seeking to save face by hiding the problem from the world is a sin in itself. The abuser’s salvation is in jeopardy, and as children of our Heavenly Father we would have a responsibility to do every righteous thing in our power to get help for them to end such unrighteous behav­ior. If one priesthood leader does not seem to understand we should go to the next one up in the line of authority until we get the help we need. In an October 1996 gen­eral conference address broadcast around the world, President Gordon B. Hinckley unequivocally condemned these and other abuses stemming from fits of anger:

Unfortunately a few of you may be married to men who are abusive. Some of them put on a fine face before the world during the day and come home in the evening, set aside their self-discipline, and on the slightest provocation fly into outbursts of anger.

No man who engages in such evil and unbe­coming behavior is worthy of the priesthood of God. No man who so conducts himself is worthy of the privileges of the house of the Lord. I regret that there are some men undeserving of the love of their wives and children. There are children who fear their fathers, and wives who fear their hus­bands. If there be any such men within the hear­ing of my voice, as a servant of the Lord I rebuke you and call you to repentance. ("Women of the Church," Ensign, November 1996, 68)

As I mentioned, other forms of unrighteous dominion can be more difficult to detect and correct. One sign that you are a victim of unrighteous dominion may be the feeling of resentment that builds up when it seems you have no choice about whether to comply with some­one else's requests or demands. You are afraid not to give in. You fear the person's criticism, anger, silence, crying or some other kind of unpleasant response. Many people will resort to these behaviors when their needs are not met, and if such a strategy creates the desired results in you--you give them what they want--they will resort to it again and again, usually without even realizing it. It becomes an established pattern of unrighteous dominion.

Feeling as though you are being treated like a child, with no input in decision making, is another red flag. If you feel that nothing you do will ever be good enough to please the other person, you may be a victim of domina­tion. Always feeling that you are to blame for the other person's problems or unhappiness may signal unrighteous dominion, if that person is fostering or encouraging such feelings. One person suggested that "a constant spirit of tension and blame" in the home may indicate a problem with unrigh­teous dominion on the part of a family member (Brookie Peterson, A Woman's Hope [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1991], 87). These are only a few examples. Basically, if you feel you have lost the joy that comes from freedom of choice because of the controlling or intimidating actions of another, you may be a casualty of unrighteous domination. Most situations will take some reflection, analysis and prayer under the guiding influence of the Spirit to clarify.

BRENT:

Perhaps the best way to recognize unrighteous domin­ion in ourselves and others is to compare the leadership or management style in question to the Lord's standard as set forth in section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants. This remarkable passage offers the perfect pattern for priesthood or any other type of righteous leadership. It is only in exercising this kind of Christlike dominion that we merit the Lord's blessing and power.

No power or influence can or ought to be main­tained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persua­sion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile--Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. (D&C 121:41-44)

No real power to inspire permanent change in an indi­vidual can come through force, fear, or manipulation. These tactics are usually used to gratify our own immedi­ate purposes or needs. They may produce temporary com­pliance but will never inspire committed followership, produce loyal and loving relationships, or yield enduring effects. As General Robert E. Lee once wrote, "That virtue is worth but little that requires constant watching and removal from temptation" (Emory M. Thomas, Robert E. Lee, A Biography [New York: W. W. Norton and Company, 1995], 157).

Such tactics are, in essence, useless. Only the use of persuasion--teaching, encouraging, inspiring, rea­soning, modeling, exemplifying, setting up guidelines, involving others in decision making--will have lasting influence and promote genuine change.

 Long-suffering implies that we cannot expect or demand immediate results. The Lord always allows us opportunities to learn and relearn the lessons of life. We should allow the same privilege to others if we would have it ourselves. Real growth rarely comes quickly.

Gentleness and meekness describe the manner in which we should conduct ourselves. They suggest that we avoid anger, yelling, abuse of any kind, pulling rank--"I'm in charge here"--or thinking or acting as if we were superior to those we should be serving, be they spouse, children, ward members, or any others we lead.

Love unfeigned, or true charity--"the pure love of Christ" (Moroni 7:47)--for those we serve is an important key to wielding righteous influence. Feigned love has no lasting influence. I have seen people try to control or influ­ence others by pretending to love them and care about their welfare, but actions eventually speak louder than words, and they are inevitably unmasked in their decep­tion. On the other hand, true charity is the greatest moti­vation we can employ.

Kindness is essential in leadership, for we must "speak the truth in kindness," or use, as Elder Neal A. Maxwell described it, "candor in the context of love" (A More Excellent Way [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1967], 118). We should say whatever we have to say and teach what­ever we must teach in the most honest, kind, and upbuild-ing manner possible. To do this, we must have the guid­ance of the Holy Spirit.

This is where the pure knowledge comes into the picture. As we seek to lead righteously, the Holy Ghost will pour out pure knowledge, which will enlarge our souls and fill us with kindness and inspire us in the words we should choose and the actions we should take in behalf of those we serve. Our love for them will be genuine, without hypocrisy, and our hearts and actions pure, without guile.

Only when moved upon by the Holy Ghost--not by frus­tration or anger--should we reprimand sharply those in our stewardship. This will certainly be rare. Sharpness, however, does not imply anger or unkindness. It probably means that we no longer persuade, cajole, or exercise infinite patience. It means that the time has come to speak plainly, get directly to the point, and say, "Enough is enough." Elder Peterson equates reproving "with sharpness" to reproving "with clarity, with loving firmness, with serious intent" (Ensign, July 1989, 10).

Again, an excellent example is Alma's loving rebuke of his wayward son Corianton in the Book of Mormon. Alma is directed by the Spirit of the Lord, "Command thy chil­dren to do good, lest they lead away the hearts of many people to destruction." Therefore, Alma confronts Corianton in plainness, "I command you, my son, in the fear of God, that ye refrain from your iniquities" (Alma 39:12). Alma does not belittle his beloved son, but goes on to counsel and teach him carefully, making sure that he understands the ultimate consequences of his actions and the doctrine of repentance through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Thus, even though the reproof must cut directly to the point, showing forth afterwards an increase of love is just as important to the process, if not more so. We all feel dis­couraged and even threatened when we are reprimanded. Our self-esteem takes a hit that can tempt us to give up, to think we have failed and nobody loves us, or even to rebel against the reprimand or "kick against the pricks" (D&C 121:38). Showing increased love after a disciplinary action can actually help the person involved overcome these feel­ings and feel inspired to change--not out of humiliation, but because he or she feels so loved and supported. Those we discipline must know that despite our unhappiness with their mistakes, our love for them and our dedication to their welfare are, as the scripture says, stronger than death.

They must feel that we would do anything neces­sary to help them, including giving our lives. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). This is the extent of the love we must have for those we lead and serve if we are truly to represent Christ. This is especially true for patriarchs in the home, who are commanded, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave him­self for it" (Ephesians 5:25).

Other examples from the scriptures and Church his­tory help clarify the leadership style expected in the king­dom of God (which is almost the complete opposite of the world's view). Christ taught his Apostles that anyone who wanted to be a leader would have to actually be the ser­vant of all those he desired to lead. Leadership in the Lord's kingdom would not be a position of power and con­trol over others, as with the rest of the world. ”And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors. But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve.”(Luke 22:24-26)

King Benjamin, the Nephite ruler, exemplified this remarkable kind of leadership. At the end of his life, as he gathered his people together and addressed them from a high tower, he reminded them that they should serve each other as he had served them.

But I am like as yourselves, subject to all man­ner of infirmities in body and mind; yet I have been chosen by this people, and consecrated by my father, and was suffered by the hand of the Lord that I should be a ruler and a king over this people; and have been kept and preserved by his matchless power, to serve you with all the might, mind and strength which the Lord hath granted unto me.

I say unto you that as I have been suffered to spend my days in your service, even up to this time, and have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches of you;

Neither have I suffered that ye should be con­fined in dungeons, nor that ye should make slaves one of another ....

And even I, myself, have labored with mine own hands that I might serve you, and that ye should not be laden with taxes, and that there should nothing come upon you which was grievous to be borne. (Mosiah 2:11-14)

The Prophet Joseph Smith also personified and taught a leadership style that consisted of carrying people on his shoulders rather than trampling them beneath his feet. I love the following example, which shows how he applied this to his home life--the real testing ground of true lead­ership. The account comes from Jesse Crosby, a contem­porary of the Prophet.

Some of the home habits of the Prophet--such as building kitchen fires, carrying out ashes, carry­ing in wood and water, assisting in the care of the children, etc.--were not in accord with my idea of a great man's self-respect. [The Prophet coming to my house carrying a sack of flour he had bor­rowed] gave me the opportunity to give him some corrective advice which I had desired to do for a long time. I reminded him of every phase of his greatness and called to his mind the multitude of tasks he performed that were too menial for such as he; to fetch and carry flour was too great a humiliation. "Too terrible a humiliation," I repeated, "for you who are the head, and you should not do it."

      The Prophet listened quietly to all I had to say, then made his answer in these words: "If there be humiliation in a man's house, who but the head of that house should or could bear that humiliation?"

Sister Crosby was a very hardworking woman, taking much more responsibility in her home than most women take. Thinking to give the Prophet some light on home management, I said to him, "Brother Joseph, my wife does much more hard work than does your wife."

Brother Joseph replied by telling me that if a man cannot learn in this life to appreciate a wife and do his duty by her, in properly taking care of her, he need not expect to be given one in the hereafter.

His words shut my mouth as tight as a clam. I took them as terrible reproof. After that I tried to do better by the good wife I had and tried to lighten her labors. (In They Knew the Prophet,

comp. Hyrum L. Andrus and Helen Mae Andrus [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1974], 145)

No righteous person would have a problem with "submitting" to a husband or father who exercised such benevolent and supportive dominion. This is the only type of leadership women or men are expected to submit to in the Church. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own hus­bands in every thing" (Ephesians 5:22-24). A patriarch represents Jesus Christ in his home just as the prophet represents Christ to the Church and a bishop represents Christ to his ward. They all should act as Christ would act. Ideally, submitting to (or perhaps "cooperating with" would be a better translation) such a leader would merely be submitting to the will of the Lord as it comes through that leader. Unfortunately, husbands and fathers are not perfect, and neither are wives and daughters, but this is the goal we are striving toward.

Wendy

What Can You Do?

Once we have recognized unrighteous dominion in ourselves and others, what are we to do? 

"No woman has ever been asked by the Church authorities to follow her husband into an evil pit," taught President Spencer W. Kimball. "She is to follow him as he follows and obeys the Savior of the world, but in deciding this, she should always be sure she is fair" ("The Blessings and Responsibilities of Womanhood," Ensign, March 1976, 72). Women (and men) are not expected to placidly sub­mit to unrighteous dominion. However, if they are not mindful, they can resort to fighting fire with more fire--using the same unrighteous tactics to try to free them­selves from the controlling actions of others. This usually leaves everyone burned out. Marriage and family life become a constant battle. The sin on the head of the wife may become just as great as the sin upon the head of the patri­arch, or vice versa.

One individual compared the overwhelming difficulty of trying to change the controlling actions of the dominating person in a relationship to driving a car for a long distance over a muddy road in the rain.  The longer you have driven, the deeper into muddy ruts your car has sunk.  If you suddenly try to change course by sharply turning the steering wheel, you will cause major damage to the car.  It may even break down completely.  This is a very good comparison.  I have seen many who preferred to stay in the rut rather than wreck the relationship, but these are not the only choices.  If we learn to slowly, gradually, carefully, and patiently change direction by redirecting the steering wheel only a fraction of a turn at a time, we will eventually be able to emerge from the ruts without much wear and move forward as never before.  In talking with marriage counselors, family therapists, and priesthood leaders, as well as through studying the scriptures, I have put together a few practical suggestions for dealing with unrighteous dominion. There are several things that can be done to improve almost any relation­ship. However, results are not immediate, and three ele­ments are absolutely essential: faith, patience, and the guiding and sustaining power of the Holy Ghost.

1. Examine your own behavior.

"How wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote Out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye" (Matthew 7:4-5). Above all, we must first look at ourselves. Are we also exercising unrighteous dominion in some way, either overtly or subtly? Earnestly and honestly looking at ourselves through the lens of the Spirit can help us discern control­ling or manipulative behaviors we might not have been aware of. We must be willing to give up our own attempts

to control others if we expect those people to allow us the same freedom.

Further, is there something we are doing to provoke unrighteous dominion? Unrighteous dominion is never justified, no matter what we do, but that also doesn't excuse our taunting or baiting a person who is prone to it. When I am upset with my husband, I know just what but­tons to push to escalate the friction between us. My learn­ing not to push those buttons--hard as that is when I'm angry--has saved us from a lot of useless and bitter quar­reling, which always invokes some form of unrighteous dominion on both our parts.

Finally, do we honor and respect the presiding author­ity in our home as we would the Savior? Does he feel that respect, appreciation, and support? President Stephen L Richards observed:

We call the ordinance of marriage when per­formed not only for time but for all eternity a sealing--a sealing of a good woman to a good man of the priesthood, with the express understanding and covenant that the priesthood of the man, if he shall be faithful and live worthy to enjoy it, shall be the supreme authority of the household, and no good woman of our faith begrudges her worthy husband of the priesthood the respect which goes with his high calling. She knows that to build him up in the esteem of their children, and thus make him conscious of the responsibility of leadership is the surest safeguard she can bring to her family in a world of temptation. The women of the Church rejoice in the priesthood of their husbands. They know that that priesthood is not expressed in autocratic or unrighteous dominion.... They know that that priesthood has true virtue within it--the power to bless, the power to heal, the power to counsel, to make peace and harmony prevail. (In Conference Report, April 1958, 95)

Before we are too quick to condemn the men of the Church for unrighteous dominion, we should look at our own part in the equation. As we do, we will probably real­ize that we have a lot of learning to do as well, and that they will need to be as patient with us as we are with them.

2. Teach others patiently.

Loving communication is absolutely essential as we begin to try to correct the problem. We must teach others how to treat us! If they don't know how their behavior affects us, how can we just expect them to know they shouldn't do it? We can’t expect them to read our minds or even our body language, though women often have this expectation of men!  There are many excellent and helpful books available on communication in marriage and families, so I won't go into that. I readily admit I'm no authority. However, there is an expert tutor to whom we can turn for guidance on communication--the Holy Ghost. If we don't know quite how to get our message across without causing the situa­tion to become worse, we can turn to the Lord in prayer, fast and attend the temple, seek guidance from church leaders, and endeavor to speak the truth in love by the power of the Holy Ghost. I once read that the genius of communication is to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time. In fact, it is best to be totally kind first, to express love and gratitude for all that is right about our spouse (at all times, not just before grievance sessions), and then the totally honest part will be more effective.

3. Hold your ground and exercise faith.

Even when we speak with the love and guidance of the Holy Spirit, we may not immediately get the reaction we desire. In fact, we may temporarily experience increased unrighteous dominion from someone who is trying to make us go back to the familiar and comfortable patterns. The inspired words of Christ did not always change or calm his hearers. Some were incensed at them. If this hap­pens, the important thing is to continue to quietly assert our needs and feelings under the influence of the Spirit. We cannot let anger or impatience drive out the influence of the Spirit when we need it most. However, at the same time, we must not back down. We need to continue qui­etly, firmly, and kindly to assert our feelings, needs, and love. It may take several attempts at this effort to commu­nicate before the other person sees that we are serious, that we are not going to give in and accept things the way they were.

It is also important that we teach and don’t back down from our loved ones for their own sakes. I have been thankful for my husband's mellowing influence on me. He is helping to smooth off some of my rough edges by drawing the line in what he will tolerate. He doesn't let me get too shrill. I have noticed that in marriages where one partner tends to dominate, the overbearing person also tends to dominate and offend oth­ers besides the marriage partner. No one has taught him or her that it is undesirable behavior. Often it is passed on to one or more of the children in the family, and the cycle continues.

4. Maintain power over your own decisions.

Don't fight back, but don't cower or crawl or capitulate either. Have the courage, under the influence of the Spirit, to stand up for yourself and do what you know to be right. Don't allow the dominating behavior to have its intended effect--to control you.  Some of us are such pleasers that our greatest fear in is to have someone unhappy with us.  Sometimes we fear men more than God and are even willing to commit sin rather than displease anyone.  “Let us not take counsel from our fears,” President James E. Faust has warned (Ensign, October 2002, p. 6).  In other words, “do what is right,”  and “let the consequence follow” no matter how much you fear it.

You can, however, offer to lovingly meet the person's demands in a more appropriate and mutually agreeable way.  You can decide what you can give according to your abilities and desires.  You can point out what is acceptable and unacceptable to you and what needs the other person will have to be responsible to meet for themselves.  Most people admire those who have enough self-respect to draw the line at what they will and will not tolerate in the way others treat them.  Generally a person will rise to whatever level is expected. If we let others have control, they will usually continue to take it. However, if two people are partners in a waltz and one suddenly refuses to go on in the dance, the other will not be able to continue that particular dance.

Some women or even men may be so used to giving in that it is hard for them to stand up for themselves without feeling selfish and guilty. It may help to look to our per­fect exemplar, Jesus Christ. Consider an example from the family life of the Savior. In the book of John, we find an account of the brethren of Jesus trying to goad him into doing something he did not choose to do (see John 7:2-10). They wanted him to go to Jerusalem to the Feast of Tabernacles and openly show himself and his works and teachings to the world. They wanted this not because they believed in him and wanted to share his message with others, but because they wanted him openly exposed for the impostor they thought he was. However, Jesus was not moved by their thinly veiled taunt. He had the strength that came from knowing who he was and what was right. Christ never made decisions in response to pressure from others. In this instance, he patiently explained the situa­tion to his brothers--the time for open preaching had not yet come--even though they could not really understand or appreciate his answer. He waited and then went to the festival at a later time of his own choosing, "as it were in secret."

Of course, there were many who attempted on an even more strident level to control the Savior for their own ends. His enemies were continually criticizing, intimidat­ing, accusing, tricking, and persecuting him to get him to back down from the teachings and works that were such a threat to them. They tried all kinds of things to stop him and finally had to resort to treachery and force. (Even then they could have power over him only because he allowed it. Unfortunately, we don't always have that choice in mor­tality.)

Significantly, Jesus never did allow the actions of oth­ers to determine his. He always acted and never reacted. He never lashed out at people in vengeance or defensive­ness, but neither was he afraid to stand up for himself and for the truth. He reproved them betimes with sharpness and clarity but never with personal bitterness. Emotionally and spiritually speaking, they just couldn't rattle him. We can achieve the same state of spiritual self-assurance if we are worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost will help us discern when we are making self­ish, thoughtless, or unreasonable demands and when we are standing up for what is right. Just as Christ could never have fulfilled his mission and done his Father's will if he had allowed others to intimidate him and control his life, neither can we discover the Lord's will for our lives if we let others manipulate us.

            5. Be grateful for sincere efforts, even if they fall short. Help the person in question to see how much better the Savior's servant-leadership formula works and how much joy it can bring into your home. Set the example, encourage, compliment, and show appreciation. Employ the Savior's motivating techniques: long-suffering, persua­sion, kindness, gentleness, meekness, pure love, and so on. Continue fasting, praying, and attending the temple.

      6. If these efforts fail, involve priesthood leaders.

When we feel, under the prompting of the Holy Ghost, that we have exercised great patience and done all that we could do and still see no lasting desire to change on the part of the offender, we can reach for outside help. I asked some experts about what a woman can righteously and rea­sonably do when a man simply will not change his ways. One family counselor and priesthood leader said to me, "If all else fails, report him to his priesthood leader. That will get his attention. It will let him know that you mean busi­ness." Many will change just out of embarrassment, oth­ers because of counsel from their leaders. In some cases, more teaching and intervention may be required.

The bottom line is this: Though rebellion against the priesthood is not the answer, women or men do not have to sit back and accept unrighteous dominion in order to be obedient or even Christlike. Just "taking it" is not accounted to us as righteousness if it fosters resentment or bitterness in our hearts and destroys relationships that we have the responsibility to make fit for the celestial realms. Doing nothing is also a choice for which we must be accountable.

And now I would like to bring my remarks full circle.  As I mentioned in my introduction, my husband allowed me to tell our story about how we struggled when we were first married to figure out what our roles were even though it didn’t show him in the most flattering light.  It’s only fair then that I tell you now the rest of the story.  Brent has worked and sacrificed faithfully over the years to learn to serve in his role as patriarch.  I have taught him, and he has taught me.  After his devotion to the Lord, it has been his number one priority to make me his number one priority.  I feel he treats me as Jesus Christ would treat me if he were by my side.  He makes me feel not only like an equal, but better than an equal--a queen in my home, as some people have said.  I really don’t ever have to submit to him, as that word is used today, because he counsels together with me until we’re united as one.  Because of this, we have caught the vision of how the Lord’s patriarchal order of marriage and family is supposed to work.  It is the organization our Heavenly Father uses to keep his children in perfect order so that none will be lost or overlooked.  Its purpose is not to control or demean, but to serve and exalt.  The apostle Paul taught the Corinthians about how this perfect order is set up in the eternities.  He explained: “But I would have you know that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God.”  Living in the patriarchal order is all about learning to submit completely to those who exercise righteous dominion over us and likewise exercising righteous dominion over those who submit to us.  In so doing, we follow the pattern established by our Savior Jesus Christ in submitting to his father completely, and like him, we all become one with God our Father, and we inherit all that he has, including his glory, his power, and yes, his dominion.  I leave you with my testimony that I know that the patriarchal order is ordained of God and that righteous dominion is a blessing from our Father in Heaven, and that when we learn to use righteous dominion and to submit to righteous dominion, we will be blessed beyond our wildest dreams, beyond anything that we can imagine, and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.