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| BYU Television |
August 22 @ 1:30 PM
Dealing with Abuse |
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This episode of Living Essentials from BYU features experts that specialize in dealing with abusive relationships. They explain the common dynamics found in healthy and abusive relationships and discuss ways to recognize, prevent and heal from abuse. |
| Featured Guests |
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Dr. Mike Buxton is a marriage and family therapist at the Brigham Young University Counseling and Career Center. |
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Pat Mills is a prevention education specialist at the Center for Women and Children in Crisis in Provo, Utah. |
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What is Abuse?
Pat describes abuse as intentionally or knowingly causing harm or placing another in fear of imminent harm. The perpetrator is making a conscious decision to harm the victim.
Types of Abuse
One in five families has some form of abuse going on, according to the Department of Justice. Dr. Buxton noted there are different severities of abuse and usually people don’t agree on definitions of abuse. Dr. Buxton and Pat described four common forms of abuse:
- Physical Abuse
Manifested in various physical ways such as hitting, punching, pushing, kicking, biting, using an object to harm or threaten another person, this form of abuse is done over a period of time.
Physical abuse by an intimate partner accounts for 21 percent of violent crimes experienced with women as the victim. It’s estimated in the United States that every 12-17 seconds a woman is beaten by her partner or boyfriend. Although men are statistically the most common perpetrators of physical abuse, women can be as physical as men. These instances are often go unreported (only 2 percent reported) and are seen as self-defense and less harmful. Women are physically harmed more if a man strikes them because a man is typically more powerful.
- Sexual Abuse
This is sexual activity that is without consent in the form of incest, molestation or rape between two normally consensual partners. Sexual abuse occurs when one person forces another person to engage in sexual activity, or the partner feels he/she has to compromise their own values and comply. If coercion or manipulation tactics are used, there is no real consent.
Nearly 70 percent of rape victims know their assailant, especially when children are the victims. Familial perpetrators tend to be male rather than female and the most common acts are between siblings.
- Psychological & Emotional Abuse
All abuse starts with emotional and psychological abuse then usually escalates into physical and sexual abuse. Psychological and emotional abuse is when a person uses manipulation to get a partner to do what they want. Common tactics include guilt, shame, name calling, ignoring or belittling. Abusers usually make the victim feel that everything is their fault and shift responsibility on the other person, saying “I had to act this way because you made me angry.” Women are more likely to engage in this form of abuse than physical abuse.
Psychological and emotional abuse damages self-esteem and forms an improper sense of right and wrong so that when the abuse consistently occurs, the victim gets used to it and fails to take action.
- Neglect
Neglect is the number one maltreatment of children in the United States and consists of a refusal or failure to provide basic needs for a child including food, shelter, safety and security.
Staying in an Abusive Relationship
It is difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Pat explained common reasons victims to stay with their abusers:
- Fear of isolation or retribution.
- Victims in low social-economic situations often have no formal education, no job and will have no place to live if they leave.
- Helplessness or hopelessness because of victimization.
- Cultural norms may play into the situation—people believe it is okay for men to hit women because they are the head of the house.
- Victims believe if they change, their partner will be the person they fell in love with. What they don’t realize, though, is that they fell in love during the “honeymoon period.”
- Abuse is cyclical. After abusing someone, perpetrators will often apologize and the relationship will recover, pushing victims to stay.
Changing the "Victim" Mindset
Inaccurate and irrational thinking often taints the ability to recover from abusive situations. Suffers of abuse often have a:
- Belief that you (the victim) are to blame for his/her angry/abusive behavior
- Belief that if you were “stronger” it would not hurt to be treated abusively
- Belief that if you love, sacrifice and care enough he will love you in return and stop abusing you
- Belief that assertion is unfeminine, that a woman should “stay in her place” and be passive and submissive
- Belief that all men (or women) are naturally abusive
- Belief that abusive behaviors are not significant or harmful
- Belief that emotions define reality: “If I feel bad I must be bad”
- Belief that you are powerless & have no other choice but to submit to abuse
- Belief that your thoughts, ideal, perceptions & feelings are inaccurate
- Belief that you can’t survive without a partner, even if they’re abusive
Considerations for Victims
Dr. Buxton encouraged victims to consider four points when they are considering whether to leave the relationship:
- Justice
The authorities use intervention in crimes of violence and sexual assault. When appropriately applied, it can be therapeutic for everybody. It allows people to work through their problems and perpetrators become accountable. Treatment can be given to both parties.
- Safety
This is a critical concern to everybody. When a person is in a place of safety where they are separated from their perpetrators, occasionally they can work things out without the authorities.
- Treatment
There is a vast network of people that can help. It consists of learning about abuse, trying to understand one’s role in that abuse whether victim or perpetrator, finding emotional healing and planning prevention for the future.
- Prevention
This is best achieved by talking about abuse—educating people and making sure there’s a plan set up to stop multigenerational violence. Teach your loved ones about preventing abuse and healthy relationships at an early age. Children, need to learn correct behavior. Fostering their self-esteem through nurturing can dissuade them from jealousy and unhealthy relationship.
Abused Children
It is often difficult for children to tell an adult when they are victims of abuse because they don’t think anyone will believe them. Common signs include fear around certain individuals and reoccurring or unexplained injuries. If you suspect a child is being sexually abused, get the child out of the situation as soon as possible. Report the situation immediately to the proper authorities. Although the perpetrator may be a friend or family member, it is important to report the incident to curb future abuse. You can report the problem to Social Services anonymously.
Getting Help
Talking to someone you suspect is a victim of abuse is a delicate but important step. First, tell them you’re concerned and then find out what they want. Don’t try to fix their problem by threatening, dominating, or controlling the situation. They need to recognize their need for help before they can begin the recovery process.
Victims should talk to authorities such as the police, Department of Family Services, a religious leader or a therapist. Until you become comfortable, explain a hypothetical situation.
Victims of abuse can also call (800) 897-LINK, a hotline that provides information and links victims with the closest community crisis organization. It is confidential and the operators are trained specialists who can help people identify options.
Pat’s center is typical of women’s shelters around the United States. They offer domestic violence victims safety, food shelter and training on how to leave their situation. The shelter is always open and the police can provide transportation.
Pat’s center advises having a safety plan for when abuse occurs. Once rage begins, have keys handy (an extra set is advised) and try to get out of a door or go into a bedroom where you can lock the door long enough to call 911 and get to a safe place. Have a bag packed or get a storage unit for possessions.
Further Reading
Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse
by Elder Richard G. Scott
"A Conversation on Spouse Abuse"
Ensign, Oct. 1999
"I Just Need to Cry"
Anonymous
Ensign, Sept. 1993
"Healing the Spiritual Wounds of Sexual Abuse"
by Ann F. Pritt
Ensign, April 2001
Web Resources
Provident Living: Abuse
BYU Women’s Services and Resources
LDS Family Services
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