The following is a transcript of a live presentation given at the Cyber Secrets Conference on Pornography at Brigham Young University on February 7, 2001.

Cyber Secrets: The Problem of Pornography:
I Know Someone with a Pornography Problem, Now What?
Dr. G. Robert Ward
February 7, 2001

Prior to coming to Brigham Young University I was a professor at the University of Houston and the University of California at Santa Barbara. I would like to present a couple of young students that I had the opportunity of counseling with at each of those two universities. Before I present these cases I would like to establish a perimeter by quoting from Elder Bruce and Marie Hafen’s book, The Belonging Heart.

The victims of various forms of abuse commonly stand as a link in a great family chain, holding the hands of the ancestors on one side and descendants on the other. Within this chain, one may pass along to the next generation, like an electrical current, the emotional harms one has suffered. This occurs when a parent who was damaged in childhood later traumatizes his or her children, whether consciously or not, in confused attempts to be free of distress. p. 118.

Barry Grosskopf, in his book, Forgive Your Parents, Heal Yourself: How Understanding Your Painful Family Legacy Can Transform Your Life, also stresses this same issue.

I’ve worked with several young female students who were verbally abused. Their symptoms are usually the same as young women who have been traumatized by being sexually abused. We worked together for many hours trying to explore where or how this victimization happened or just what the situation was that caused her to have such a low self esteem. She worked so, so hard. We never could pinpoint the time when this type of abuse occurred or could have actually happened. And, then one day she just inadvertently told me that when she was younger her father periodically would take her in the car, just the two of them, and talk. What he said was so damaging to her because he said that his wife was not satisfying him within their marriage.

There was another young woman that I worked with for several months. She reported that it was simply her father’s innuendos and inappropriate jokes that damaged her. The effect was unbelievably far reaching. There may have been other factors that aided in these two young women’s problems, but at least these verbal comments contributed to their becoming victims of abuse.

Grosskopf states, "With and without words, emotional lessons from the past are transmitted from parents to children." p. xiii. He continues by quoting Yolanda Gampel, a psychoanalyst, "Children reenact painful traumatic scenarios of their family’s history even when they had no direct knowledge of the event they act out." pp. 76-77. In Santa Barbara I had an opportunity to work with a young college male. He was into pornography and he needed to talk because of his addiction. As we worked together, he relayed that he thought he had an ideal marriage but that something just wasn’t right. And so having had some experience in the area of abuse, I asked, "Was your wife abused?" He said, "No, my wife was not abused, but, her mother was." And then he relayed to me about some of the types of things that he had experienced that were causing his marriage to be problematic. His frustration in what he thought was a happy marriage was in reality an unhappy relationship with his wife and so he turned to pornography as a substitute.

I did not have the opportunity of listening to all of what Dr. Victor Cline had to say today. But what I wanted to present today is just a slightly different approach to this tremendous problem with pornography. I believe this addiction to pornography and the people who are victims of this insidious habit can be multi-faceted.

Barry Grosskopf says, “Treating an addiction largely as a chemical problem tacked onto the body of the person, misses the point. To struggle with addiction is to struggle with one’s soul.” p. 169. This is the message that I want to leave with you today. I think the problem can be much deeper than just an addiction to pornography.

Barry Grosskopf says, "Treating an addiction largely as a chemical problem tacked onto the body of the person, misses the point. To struggle with addiction is to struggle with one’s soul." p. 169. This is the message that I want to leave with you today. I think the problem can be much deeper than just an addiction to pornography.

I would like to end my part of this presentation with a concern that Elder Richard K. Klein presented at our Stake Conference with this chart. What Elder Klein was saying here is that the world is doing whatever they want to do or however they want to do it in many evil ways. And as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are just a little bit better than the world. But as you notice in this chart, as the world curves down so do we. And I thought that was very interesting. Elder Klein continued to illustrate this decline by saying that when Gone With the Wind came out as a movie there was one word in that movie that they were concerned about. Do you remember the word? The one word they were concerned about was "Damn." Where are we today? It just boggles my mind how much we have changed. Robert H. Bork has written a book entitled Slouching Towards Gomorrah: Modern Liberalism and American Decline. This book title encapsulates the essence of what Elder Klein was explaining in his message.

I had one of secretaries pull up on the Internet the talks by our General Authorities from 1999 to 2000, dealing with pornography. Of all the talks given during this time period there were eighteen references dealing with pornography. Michael Orme, who is our lawyer from the University General Counsel here at BYU went to a lawyer’s conference just a couple of months ago. He reported, "Pornography drives the Internet and the Internet is driving the law." Isn’t that interesting?

The Scope of Pornography in Our Society
Ted C. Hindmarsh

It’s interesting, and slightly intimidating, to be a part of such an otherwise illustrious stable of presenters. You who have stayed with it all day have had a full serving.

Now, it all comes down to you personally–your life, your loved ones, and your acquaintances–and what to do if you or someone you know has a problem.

Many people, primarily but not exclusively young men, who are having a serious encounter with pornography, come through our office. In fact, one of our five Honor Code Office counselors spends 90% of his time on those cases.

Although there is not a one-size-fits-all solution, one thread does seem to be common among them. That one thread is almost always a feeling of "aloneness" that manifests itself in one or more of three ways: 1) the person has the notion that he is the only one in the world who is suffering with such an awful challenge; 2) that what he is doing is only influencing him, and no one else; or 3) he realizes he has gone too far with the consumption of pornography, but feels that he can work through it by himself.

My job today is to assure you that if you have had a personal encounter with pornography, or know someone who has, 1) neither you, nor that person, is alone; 2) that pornographic consumption will inevitably affect some one else; and 3) if someone has crossed that invisible line of addiction, outside help is almost always needed to come back.

From all we’ve heard today, it is abundantly clear that, used inappropriately, the Internet is one of Satan’s most effective tools of destruction.

You can choose your own number here, we’ve heard two or three; but we do know that the most frequent uses of the Internet are pornography-related.

Interestingly enough, the use area that is right up there with it in popularity is Genealogy!

Note the contrast. Whenever the Lord gives us a powerful tool to move his work forward, Satan finds a way to pollute it for his own gain.

Internet pornography is pervasive. I recently took a straw poll at an all-male meeting where a number of LDS men were present.

I found that the lives of virtually every one of the men at that meeting had been affected by an encounter with Internet pornography, either by a first-hand experience, or by one of a family member or close friend.

My hunch is that if we took such a poll today, in this room, we would pretty much see the same results.

There is a growing feeling that something must be done to stem this swelling tide of filth. Legislators throughout the land are feeling the heat. Yet society’s decision makers are reluctant to impose regulations over what many feel is the country’s “last bastion of truly free speech.”

There will be endless debate while the level of the flood rises.

It’s clear that some effective controls must eventually be put into place. I’m not talking about governmental control, with all of the bureaucracy that inevitably brings. I’m talking about the final, most effective control is that exercised at the point of delivery. All of us have that capability; both individually, and for our loved ones and close associates.

Internet designers are not passive. To survive, they must be crafty and aggressive. They need numbers. They design their work to function as an effective net to entrap prospects.

But neither they, nor any other power, can force us to participate against our will. All of us can exercise agency over our curiosity and appetites; and we can all strive to teach our loved ones to do the same.

Web sites, like almost all other mass media, live and die by the numbers. If they don’t get participation, they go away.

That notion of “aloneness” of which I spoke earlier, that suggest to a man that he can handle it by himself, is frightening.

It is one of Satan’s favorite ploys. It’s a lie. Victims of addiction need outside intervention; and they are not alone.

For BYU students at least, the Honor Code Office can help.

Brother Baker has some helpful tips on what to do, not only for BYU students, but for all of us who live in the BYU community.

Thank you for your support of this important conference; and may the Lord bless you in your personal determination to do everything you can to help curb the modern plague which has brought us all together today.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Steven M. Baker, BYU Honor Code Office

As you can see from our previous presenters from the Honor Code Office, I have the opportunity to work with others that have quite a depth of experience and background. Today, I am going to talk a little bit about the Honor Code Office perspective and processes regarding pornography.

As I was preparing my remarks, I asked myself, "Why are we having this conference?" The Lord has told us in Doctrine and Covenants 93:24, "And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come." I believe today we are being exposed to how things really are aren't we? We’re hearing the truth about pornography. In John 8:32 we’re told, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." In Ephesians 6, verses 13-18, the Lord talks about putting on the armor of God. He talks about different parts of our body and how we protect them. This is a good analogy and very good information of how we can be prepared for what He calls the evil day.

Now, in reality, we're living in the best of times and the worst of times. The best of times because we have everything at our fingertips. Life is actually really good, isn't it? We have the truth of the restored gospel. We have the Church set up to sustain and support us and to help us. We have our ward families, our regular families, and our stake families. We have a lot of conveniences at our fingertips. But we also know, and Lord knew and foresaw, that this day would also provide some real challenges. Evil is so readily available and it can take control of part our lives, if we let it. Pornography is one of the most insidious, treacherous, addicting, and enticing diseases of our time.

Pornography does appeal to the strongest human and basic drive and desire that we have. It also takes advantage of our normal curiosity, and I think that's how we get lured into it. We are curious beings and if we start looking or dabbling with pornography, we can get pulled into it and addicted to it before we realize it is too late to stop on our own. It is so readily available. Can you think of any other time in the history of the world where a person can go into the privacy of almost any room and have access to almost any information in an instant, including pornography? It skews our perception of ourselves, our bodies, and others, and it also perverts our relationships with others. Pornography literally perverts our relationships with others. What can pornography do to our relationships?

Recently, when an acquaintance of mine realized that I was going to be on this panel he was very willing and actually anxious to give me information that might help others. He provided a letter that he wanted read here today.

"Several months ago I got involved in pornography. I ran into it for the first time by accident while working. My incidental run in with pornography only led to wonder as to what that world would be like. That wonder constantly grew until I began to get on the computer on frequent basis and look at pictures. I always justified my actions. At the time my addiction to pornography began, I had a wonderful wife a great job a wonderful calling in the church, and I was receiving an outstanding education. Everything was going right for me. I had what most people would say is kind of the perfect marriage. A marriage that people dream about. This may seem hard to understand but my pornography addiction had nothing to do with my home and family life. The pornography increased until I got to the point where I started calling exotic dancers and eventually this lead me to go and see them and the final outcome was adultery. I would justify my actions and tell myself I was not hurting anyone even up to when I was cheating on my wife. My wife had nothing to do with the pornography and the pornography had nothing to do with my wife. I would always tell myself that it was okay. Everybody probably goes through this. I was in a constant battle with myself. Constantly telling myself you need to get over this you don't need anyone's help, but you do need to stop. I couldn't stop. I would go a few days and even sometimes a week without calling anyone or watching or looking at things on the computer screen or going to see someone. I was deceived. Satan led me carefully down to hell, by putting thoughts into my mind helping me to justify my actions. I wish I never justified. I wish I realized I needed help from the beginning maybe then I would not be in the situation I am today. One Sunday I was prompted to tell my wife, which I did and immediately we went to see the bishop. This visit began the repentance process. In just a very short time I've been disfellowshipped from the Church, lost my calling, had to discontinue my schooling, and dropped out of my major. I'm suffering severe depression and seeing a counselor. I'm on the verge of losing my wife, the one person I treasure more than anything in the world. I have almost lost everything. Yet, I know coming clean has been the best for me and my wife. If I only would have seen the effects my actions were going to have on everyone. If only I would have accepted my personal responsibility and denied my justification I would not be in this situation today. However, the damage is done. Now I can only repair it. It will be a long road but I know it is possible. My wife and I have had nothing but love and support from our priesthood leaders. They have never judged me. They truly only want what is best for me. Please, anyone who hears this letter accept responsibility. You may have an addiction and you need help. Please seek it before it goes too far and you lose everything. Father in heaven will not leave you nor will those who truly care about you. It is a sickness and one that cannot be overcome by yourself."

It’s an interesting and sad letter. I've had the opportunity to talk to he and his wife and I think they will make it through this trial. In the Honor Code Office we do deal with students who are struggling with pornography. We also see a lot of success whereby people have worked through their addiction and moved on. As I read this letter, I also wondered about the people that are producing the pornography and participating in the scenes. They too are brothers and sisters, and sons and daughters, members of families. What kind of desensitization is occurring in their lives and how is it impacting their families and them personally? What can we do if we know someone who is getting into pornography?

I'm looking at this from an Honor Code Office position and I want to talk to some of the students for a minute. Let me suggest that if you know someone is involved in pornography and you are interested in helping the person, do something! Do anything that might appropriately intervene. You can always start by just going and talking to the person. We can do this within our own families. I know that as my children were growing up my wife and I tried to spend a lot of time with them just talking about things, even pornography. It was difficult sometimes but it is important to talk about the difficult things. We told them, "There are two plans here. One is the Lord's and one is not the Lord's. The Lord want us to be happy. He wants us to have all of the experiences that we're supposed to have and meant to have in this life including that special relationship and intimacy with a spouse." We also explained that if you choose to follow the Lord you will have a good life. "It may be hard but you’ll have a good life, and you’ll be able to relate to people. You will be able to have enriching relationships. You will be able to have a good relationship with your spouse. Life will be good." We also expressed to them, "There is some very terrible and inappropriate information available to you in the form of pornography." We explained how degrading pornography was. "We're not going to be around you all the time to monitor what you view, nor should we be. You need to know that if you choose to get into pornography, it will lead you to a perverted and skewed perception of what relationships are all about, particularly with members of the opposite sex." And so I remember telling my children, "If you want to have a good life and you want to have good relationships and you want all of the good things the Lord wants you to have, I wouldn't touch pornography with a 1,000 foot pole. If you actually get into it or accidently run into it, get away and run from it."

If we know someone who is viewing pornography we could recommend that they get with their bishop. If the person you know doesn’t go to the bishop, you could confidentially go to the bishop and explain the situation. The bishop will discretely and confidentially work with the person and help them, being careful to preserve your relationship with your roommate, or friend, involved.

You can also obtain filter programs for your computer that will clean up most of the sites that are coming through. Another way to help is through the University. There are resources available from the University. You may have heard about some of the University resources as you listened to the preceding presentations.

There was an article by Joann Hibert Hamilton in the Church News recently. She had some really good suggestions about blocking the route to porn addiction. I have adapted her suggestions slightly for today’s presentation.

1. Monitor movies, television, and videos that you your family or even your roommates see. Be smart about it.

2. Warn friends, roommates, spouses and others about the ease with which sexual addiction comes and the damage it creates because it absolutely does.

3. Warn others to stay out of chat rooms because surveys do show that a lot of people get started innocently in chat rooms and move onto other problems such as pornographic sites.

4. Teach young people that they will feel guilt if they accidentally pull up a porn site but to tell someone who can help such as a parent or the bishop.

5. Teach yourself and others to crash the computer, which means just to turn off the computer, rather than trying to get out of a porn site if you accidentally pull it up. Sometimes there are 10 or 20 porn sites linked to one site. When when you try to exit a site, other pornography sites keep popping up. You can be exposed to 10 or 15 minutes worth of trashy material when you didn't want to. Ted Hindmarsh was telling us the other day that he was on his computer with his wife when an inappropriate site appeared. He said they panicked as they tried to figure out how to get out of it. Finally he turned off the computer. If you know this ahead of time you can just turn off the computer.

6. Place your computer in an open observable area of your home, your apartment, or your room.

7. Install a white filter on the Internet. I called a computer specialist on campus and asked him to tell me how the white filters work. This is my understanding, they go further than the normal filter goes. Normal filters block the porn sites that initially are coming in. The problem is that there are so many new porn sites coming onto the Internet daily that normal filters can not block all of them, so some of them start coming through. White filters, however, actually block any new site that tries to enter until someone can look at it and determine if it is appropriate for the program that you’ve asked for. That is something I would like for have in my own home. I don't have it yet. Also, learn enough about your computer so you can check what sites have been visited. Check the computer’s history to determine is someone is bringing up inappropriate sites.

9. Maintain a good relationship with parents, children, bishop, etc., so that we can go to them openly and discuss these matters.

10. Always be aware of the potential to be exposed to pornography in your own home and wherever you go. If you travel and go to hotels and you turn on the TV, one of the first ads that come up is for adult viewing. You can be anywhere in the world and be at risk.

Now let's go back to getting help from the University. If you know of a student that's having a difficulty there are a couple of things you can do. First, that student can immediately go to counseling services downstairs in the Wilkinson Student Center. It is free to students; it is completely confidential. No other department and no other person will ever know about it. A person can go in to counseling services and receive help confidentially. We have some great counselors at BYU that can help with this. Another way to help is by reporting the problem to the University via the Honor Code Office. Some people believe that students reported to the Honor Code Office end up leaving school. Ninety-nine percent of those who are reported to the Honor Code Office for being involved in pornography the first time are allowed to remain at school while receiving the help and support needed to overcome the addiction. Now, what is the purpose of the Honor Code Office? The main purpose, and I believe a major reason for the existence of the Honor Code Office, is to help students who may be struggling to understand that the University honestly cares, and will do anything it can to help them work through a problem appropriately. That's why I am excited about and enjoy working in the Honor Code Office. The Honor Code Office strives to educate students. It also strives to bless students’ lives and to promote accountability. The Honor Code Office and university try to balance the needs of the individual student with the needs of the rest of the student community, the interest of the university, and the Church itself.

Let me take you through the Honor Code process. I think some people don't understand it. If a report is received and it is anonymous, nothing is going to be done by the Honor Code Office. When a report is made and the reporting person is willing to identify themselves to the University, explain the problem, and provide information that would help the Honor Code Office either exonerate the student that has been reported or substantiate that there is a problem, then the Honor Code Office is obligated to investigate. After that report is received, the information is gathered. The information then goes before a small committee that deals with these Honor Code situations regularly. The Honor Code Committee makes sure that they have all the facts, that the Honor Code Office has done its job, and all the information is available including any mitigating circumstances. The committee determines if there is a violation and then, if there is a violation, what would be the best action to help the student. The Honor Code Committee looks for ways to keep a student in school and work with them rather than trying to find a way to have the student leave school. Generally, when the committee determines a person has viewed pornography they will be asked to work with the bishop and the counseling center. If the pornography violation is so severe or so repetitious that it is a danger for them or others a student may have to step out for a time, get some help, and then be welcomed back. In all decisions or recommendations, the Honor Code Committee strives to balance the needs of the student involved, the rest of the university community, and the integrity of the university and the Church. In conclusion, we all know that pornography is a serious, serious threat to us personally and to those that we care about. It is important that we acknowledge this and become knowledgeable about the danger so we can plan ahead effectively to help others and ourselves to avoid the pornography trap. To be effective we must be knowledgeable. We have to educate ourselves. It is also important to accept the fact that pornography addiction is extremely difficult to overcome by ourselves and to be willing to ask for help and to take advantages of the resources available. There are many resources. There is much support available such as parents, bishops and University resources. We work with young people in the Honor Code Office regularly for various reasons. It is wonderful to be able to work with such good people. I do believe if we know the truth, if we're knowledgeable, if we're prepared, and if we stay close to the Lord each one of us literally can overcome the world.